Warning: this post is going to be one big mess as I have literally no idea at this point what I want to bring across to you guys. Also, my brain is a big mess at the moment so please excuse that too. But hey, leggo. Let’s talk about insecurities.
Insecurities start with pressure. You put pressure on yourself to be the best person you can be. I think that is what we all want; to be the best person possible. But we cannot always be the best person. Why can we not be that? Why is it that sometimes we cannot be the person we want to be. This is where insecurity starts. This is where that little voice inside your head starts telling you you’re not good enough.
Something I discovered lately is that I want to create. I love to create. It gives me a sense of purpose. It gives me motivation to live on. However, as much as I love creating, it also makes me very insecure. I put pressure on myself to create the best things possible. But I cannot always create the best things possible. Even writing this post right now, makes me insecure. Just a second ago I sat back in my chair and looked at my computer screen and for a split second I thought: ”why do I even bother? It’s not going to be the best I can. I should just delete this all and go back to laying in my bed.” And I think that is the main question here: should I continue to create even if it is not going to be a great creation. The bright side of my mind is shouting ‘yes!’ right now. But why? It gives me joy sometimes, but also so many insecurities.
These insecurities make me sad. Right now I am typing this while wiping away a tear. Why? I don’t know. I do not know why I am crying. Perhaps creating this post, the fact that I talk about this topic and think about this topic reminds me of the fact that sometimes, I am a very unhappy person. That feeling of unhappiness that I am currently feeling, scares me and makes me even more insecure about what I create, ultimately making me even more sad. And like that, it is an unending circle. If I stop creating now, I won’t feel that unhappy feeling and I won’t feel so insecure and scared anymore, but without creating I will never find joy. There is a difference between happiness and joy, you know? Let me explain.
Happiness is the state of being happy. You can feel happy when you are laughing with a friend. You can feel happy at a concert of your favourite band. You can be depressed and still feel happiness. You can be suicidal and still feel happiness. Joy, on the other hand, is not as specific. It is not one moment that gives you a feeling of joy. It is simply being content with the way your life is. I think that is what joy really is. You are not in control of your happiness. People can take it away from you. Your mind can take it away from you. However, we can be in control of our own personal joy.
By creating, I will not find happiness. In fact; sometimes I am so insecure about what I create, I will find the most unhappy feeling there is. However, creating, as far as I know now, is the only thing that can bring me joy. Perhaps we all just have to push through those insecurities, push through the fear of being unhappy, in order to be able to find joy.
‘Don’t let the fear of unhappiness stop you from doing what it is that brings you joy. Don’t be afraid to push through insecurities and unhappiness to find joy.’
That being said; what is it that one can do to stop feeling so insecure? This is a rather difficult question to answer. However, I think I have found the answer. Someone helped me find it actually. So if you have recognized anything that I have written in this post, it’s because I was inspired by someone else. Almost all I know, comes from that one person. Back to the question; what can I do to stop being insecure about what I create? First of all: Stop feeling like you need to be a teenage prodigy. Hardly anyone is. Hard work and practise is key. Pretend you’re confident until you are. It’s hard, I know, but it seems to work. Apparantly, your mentality will change.
”A year ago I’d be saying that this drawing is really shitty compared to what other people can do. Today I’m saying, I’m a damn good artist and I’m going to keep practicing and keep getting better.” – Tyler Joseph
I don’t really know what else I can say. I think it is safe for me to say that at the beginning of this post I was crying and I was insecure and I was feeling very down about myself and my ability to create. However, right now, I pushed through those insecurities, I pushed through the tears and unhappiness, and I created. Perhaps this is not my best post. Perhaps this is not the best post out there, but at least I created something.
Also, I hope you guys appreciate my honesty. I got a comment a few days ago that really touched me. The person told me that they liked my honesty. That person told me to stay strong and keep going. I think that is the main thing I want to do with my blog. I want to be honest about who I am and who I want to be, but mostly; I want to be honest about how I feel and what is on my mind. Not only does it help me, but I really hope it might help some of you too. By writing all of this and by being open and honest, I want to tell you all that it’s okay to be broken. It’s okay if you do not know what to do or what to think. You are not alone. I’m there too and all we can do is just keep going and keep trying and keep chasing joy.
I will see you tomorrow. Thank you if you have read up until here. It means the absolute world to me.